The Arc of Love by Aaron Ben-Ze'ev

Author:Aaron Ben-Ze'ev
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Publisher: University of Chicago Press

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.

WILLIAM JAMES

Unlike the two previous methods of choosing a romantic partner, this way takes into account profound qualities, and when no such negative qualities are detected, the prospective partner can be accepted. Compared to the checklist manner, the manner of detecting profound flaws is more sophisticated and realistic. It assumes the presence of flaws and so focuses merely on profound flaws. Here, we find the assumption that whereas one can learn to live with superficial flaws, profound flaws pose a real danger to a long-term loving relationship.

Lori Gottlieb tells the story of Madathil, an Indian-born researcher in the United States, whose parents arranged her marriage. When she met her prospective husband, there was no spark. Although Madathil could have met as many men as she wanted until she found the right match, she nevertheless decided to marry him. Her reason was that “there was nothing wrong with him.” Now, after ten years of marriage, they are profoundly in love with each other. Madathil’s process in evaluating her prospective partner was also focused on detecting negative qualities, but her hierarchy of values excluded a mechanical count of negative qualities. Here, the process aims to determine whether the person is “harmless,” and this becomes a significant reason for giving the person a further chance. This method of seeking a partner doesn’t totally devalue appearance, but it does not rank it as most valuable in an enduring relationship. Thus, Madathil said: “Physical appearances matter—I thought, yeah, he looks cute. But he didn’t have to be gorgeous.”11

In contrast to the almost universally positive effects of increased levels of attractiveness on new relationships, there is no significant association between levels of attractiveness and the subsequent quality of marriages, except for the fact that more attractive husbands were found to be less satisfied when their level of attractiveness was greater than that of their spouses.12

Focusing on profound flaws seems to be a smart decision, but it involves a more complex search and a greater investment of time. Thus, detecting profound qualities, such as insensitivity, is more difficult than detecting superficial qualities, such as not being tall. Detecting compatibility—in the spirit of “there is nothing wrong with him”—is valuable, but in many cases, it is insufficient. We should also detect profound positive qualities.

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